14. How To Tell Your Coworker They’re Frustrating (and have them thank you for it)

A reading of a blog originally published here.

Everyone has a story about working with someone incapable, inconsiderate, or otherwise impossible. Unfortunately, we don’t get to reshuffle the cards just because we don’t like the hand we’re dealt. And while we can’t choose our coworkers, what we can choose is how we respond to their aggravations. Just because we work with that make us crazy doesn’t mean we can (or should) respond in-kind.

If you want better outcomes and a better feeling about your work, projects, or environment, then you need to focus on behaviors within your control that can lead there. By understanding the source of your frustration, what specifically you want from this situation, and how to speak your mind, you’ll transition from focusing on the things out of your control to the things within your control.

Identify the source of your frustration

Imagine there’s a member of the finance team that you don’t like working with, let’s call him Frank. Frank’s perfectly polite and friendly, but you and he don’t seem to “click”. You’re happy to interact socially and share pleasantries, but you hate needing Frank’s help because he never holds up his end of the bargain. You’ve started calling Frank “absent-minded” and “distracted” to others when you explain why he frustrates you. “He’s a perfectly nice guy, but he can’t seem to be bothered when I need something from him.”

Why do you feel this way*?* It’s the most important question you can answer for yourself when trying to unpack this tension. The #1 mistake we make when getting frustrated with other people is that we make it about their character instead of about their behaviors. By calling Frank “absent-minded” or “distracted” we’re not describing behaviors, we’re (unintentionally) attacking Frank’s qualities as a person. Avoid taking actions that annoy you and extrapolating them into character flaws.

Work backwards to identify the behaviors and actions that are causing you grief. What did Frank do that made you think he was distracted? What does he do that makes you think he “can’t be bothered”. There’s nothing Frank can do to fix our feeling of his distracted-ness if we’re not more specific. By addressing behaviors and actions it gives the other person something to work with.

If we dig deeper into the source of our feelings, we might find out that Frank zones out when we talk to him and we often hear him typing when we’re on calls, giving us the impression that he’s multi-tasking. About 50% of the time he blows right by our agreed upon deadlines for work and we have to follow up with him to make sure we get what we need.

This type of detail is more helpful in describing the problem (to ourselves and others) and gives us someplace to start.

What outcome would satisfy you?

Sticking with our Frank example, what exactly would make us happier and less frustrated with him? You’ve already acknowledged that you want to fix this problem and are invested in a better outcome. So what exactly does that look like? Do you need to just stop working with Frank? Do you need him to do more of something? Less of something? Articulate this clearly to give yourself a concrete objective.

Do we really need Frank not to multitask when we talk to him, or is that just a minor annoyance? If he would consistently get you the work you needed when you agreed to it, you might not even think about the multitasking. Take some time to frame for yourself what good-enough looks like in the particular instance you’re dealing with.

Own up to your contribution

What might your coworker say in response to being confronted about their behavior? Do you share any of the blame in these scenarios? Did you contribute to the tension or the conflict in any way?

We naturally think of conflicts as black and white, “their fault vs. my fault” dynamics, but the real world is full of complexities and nuance. If you can acknowledge that you own even 10% of the blame, then that might soften your hard edges against the other person and help you own up to your contributions.

You could find that you often reach out to Frank consistently during monthly crunch time for his department. Does that excuse his behavior? No, but it certainly doesn’t help that you might be reaching out to Frank at the worst time of the month. Be willing to own your side of this situation so you don’t react defensively if confronted.

Say how you feel (without being a jerk)

So many of our relationship problems come down to our inability to express ourselves to other people. How are you and Frank supposed to get in sync if you don’t tell him how you’re feeling? “I’ll get over it” you think – you won’t. “Maybe he’ll realize he’s being inconsiderate” – he won’t. These confrontations don’t have to be dramatic or weird, as long as you have a plan for what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.

The best way to give this kind of feedback is the SBI model (situation-behavior-impact), which I’ve written about before. It’s a great structure for having challenging conversations in a constructive, positive way. Using a structure like SBI, the conversation with Frank might go something like this:

“Hey Frank, I wanted to share something with you. On our last project together the report I needed from you was several days late and I finally had to reach out to you to get it from you. That situation made me worried that the work we’re doing together isn’t a priority for you or that there’s something I’m not seeing going on. I’m hoping you can share your perspective and we can work out a plan moving forward to be more in sync.”

The most likely response you’ll get from this kind of constructive framing is: “I had no idea how my behavior was landing on you, thanks for telling me.” It’s a strong first step towards strengthening the relationship and reducing the frustrating behavior that’s been weighing on you.

Life is full of frustrating, imperfect interactions and situations. We can’t control whether or not the world gives us challenges, but we can control how we react to them. By focusing your time and energy on your reactions and less on the messiness of how the world chooses to present itself, you’ll find yourself more empowered and solution-oriented.

Good luck out there.